We never really figure everything out. Life is about cleaning up your messes. It’s about fixing mistakes. It’s about dealing with what you f*ck up. None of us has got our sh*t together. We’re all stumbling through the chaos. But we try, and that is what matters., doing our best to navigate life’s intricacies. Amidst the tumult, we persevere, and therein lies the essence of our existence. Bethany Mortellaro and Cher Vaden explore this rabbit hole and uncover relatable truths about life, relationships, and more. Embrace the opportunity to join them on this introspective adventure and discover how, despite the relentless barrage of unexpected twists and turns, you can cultivate a sunnier disposition, finding joy even in the face of adversity.
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Cleaning Up Our F*ck Ups
Topic. I have a friend who’s married to another friend. Two friends got married. It’s great. They have been married for a very long time. Brenda is young. She’s now going to be 54.
You have a friend who’s married to another friend.
I was friends with two people and those two people ended up getting married. You understand why the relationship is what it is, why I’m very close to both of these people. Anyway, the wife was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s.
How old is she now?
She’s 54. Just before she turned 50, she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. It was such a bizarre diagnosis. What brought them to that? That’s a whole long story, but long of the short, she was the Chief Financial Accountant for a managed care company here in the Bay Area, and she started making mistakes. She was combative with her boss and said, “What are you talking about? I don’t make mistakes.” She was making mistakes. They started to notice that something was a little off and so they gave her a severance, which tore her apart. She was a very young mother. She worked her way up. She ended up going to college even though she had been pregnant at sixteen.
She had to be making some serious mistakes.
I’m going to tell you the funny stories, so the sad story first. Her husband, who is also my friend, had to make the very difficult decision to put her into an assisted living facility because her hallucinations have gotten so bad. It’s hard because your brain is dying. The first thing that goes, or at least with her, it’s her cognitive abilities.
Those things that you are teaching your children how to do on their own are the first things that she no longer remembers. Using the restroom is a difficult task because you have to remember all the steps for that like brushing your teeth. Any personal hygiene things are very difficult. Her husband has been her primary caretaker. He’s done all these things for her. He washes her hair and blows it dry because it relaxes her and she loves it so much. He does it every day.
It’s amazing. It’s the most beautiful love. They were married on a freaking glacier. She looked like a snow princess. It was amazing. I told you there’s a funny story to this. My girlfriend, you can certainly relate. Bethany can relate to this with their husband. He’s on his way over to see her. He goes to her every night at the facility that she’s now living in and it’s a small facility. A memory care facility. She’s very Italian. Her husband has nicknamed this fierce side of her that comes out when she’s having a hallucination and thinks someone’s going to attack her. The Brooklyn Brawler comes out. She gets her fist up.
Is that what he calls her?
He calls her the Brooklyn Brawler.
My husband calls me Mama Mussolini.
I can see that. You are like, “I can see you.” We talked about The Godfather before. She’s there with old people. There’s this one lady there. I do know her name. I’m not going to mention her name, but this one woman who lives across the hall from her is very mean. She’s a bigger woman. She’s mean. She throws out stupid comments.
Anybody who has family members or friends, people that you know that have had dementia or Alzheimer’s, the medications that they give them to ease their mind and help them with their quality of life causes them to gain a lot of weight. For a lot of women that are in memory care, a lot of times, they feel like they are pregnant.
It’s a delusion, but it almost brings them some peace here. They have a belly and they think that they are pregnant. My girlfriend is in that situation. This means the woman across the hall must have picked at her at something during dinner. Her husband has walked into the facility and he doesn’t realize that she’s still sitting eating dinner because it’s a community dinner. The mean lady is sitting at my friend’s table and she said something about, “Your baby is going to be ugly,” or something like that.
The Brooklyn Brawler came out and here’s my friend. All the husband knows is that he’s here checking in, saying hi to the nurses that he sees every single day. It’s like, “It’s code red. Come here.” He is like, “Oh, boy.” He knew that that’s where she was, and so he’s casually walking back there and here she is. The wife, my girlfriend, is standing covered in water and they are pulling off this lady. She got her down on the floor and she was slapping the hell out of her. I’m like, “My God.”
He goes, “That’s not the first time it happened.” I said, “What?” She’s been having some issues with that. One of the nurses, an outside nurse, had come in, and she saw her out the window messing with the flowers and she thought she was hurting the flowers. She came out and slapped the phone right out of the nurse’s hand and had her down on the ground and was beating the shit out of her. I don’t mean to laugh, but I picture it.
She had a sad situation. In any situation, you got to find the humor.
You have to try. I would tell you the most joyful part of this whole story was hearing her husband telling me and he’s laughing like, “Of all that I have dealt with in the past years and now I’m dealing with the fact that she’s kicking people’s asses.”
I have a great saying that coincides with this conversation. “All of life is about fixing what you fuck up.” I have to write it down.
That is good. I need that.
That’s the best shit I have ever heard. I’m going to fuck shit up and then try to fix it up.
All of life is fixing what you fuck up. Would you or your children have fucked up? That’s what I learned from becoming a mother.
When you say code red and you are like, “Here we go,” instantly, I think of my kids because it’s like, “Three boys. Here we go.” It’s complete damage control. What is the topic that goes with this?
The dementia thing. That’s what I said. There’s the happy part of it. When I say dementia, it’s Alzheimer’s, which I know coincides, but Alzheimer’s is such a horrific disease and your brain dies. To see someone who is so incredibly intelligent, quick-witted, and a ball of light, and you know how I am with my friends. I don’t take friendships haphazardly. I know a lot of people. The number of friends I have, it’s very small in comparison. She’s someone who’s so incredibly special to me, and I think that’s also too why her husband reaches out. She doesn’t remember much of anything, but she remembers me.
I think if you see anybody who you are close with and you love going downhill, it’s so heartbreaking. I had a client who passed away and the daughter came in to talk to me. This client was my client for many years. I knew everything about her life. Her grandchildren and daughter came to me and seeing the decline of her was heartbreaking and now she’s gone. I think about her. I do.
The other part of the conversation that was had and I am curious as to what other people think about this. I want to know what you have to say. He and I had a conversation and he was struggling like, “I want to bring her back home because no one is going to take care of her the way I could take care of her, but I am going to have to quit my job.” He has the ability to go ahead and quit his job and take care of her probably for another five years if need be because he’s worked his way to prepare for that.
What happens after five years?
That’s exactly what I said to him. The conversation went on and on. We reconvened that conversation because I told him, “Take some time with God. You need to pray about that. You need to look at the entire spectrum of what that entails.”
It’s not just about blow-drying her hair and making her feel comfortable. Unfortunately, and what happens in many situations, she’s going to turn on him, too, because she doesn’t know the state of mind that she’s in.
What’s interesting is that you bring that up because that is not even one of the things that’s on his mind at all.
The person looking outside the box looks at all the different factors that when you are in the box, you are like, “I want to bring them home and they are going to be loved and I know I can take better care of them,” but let’s look at the whole scope of things.
She is physically declining, and again, it’s going to get to the point where she can’t even walk. Now you have a bedridden wife who you are going to have to change and you are going to need that help. You are going to need help.
You see that a lot in elderly couples as well when, whether it’s the wife, the husband, or however your partner’s situation is set up. Especially when your elderly, you want to take care of that person, but you don’t have the strength to do it anymore and it’s heartbreaking. There are reasons why there are facilities like this.
That’s when he asked me. He says, “If you were her, it was you in this situation, if Nick was in my position, what would you want Nick to do?”
“Shoot me in the head.”
That’s exactly what I said.
That is not a quality of life for me. That’s not something that I want my children or people who love me to suffer and see.
Here’s what he said to that. I was taking it from the very get-go like if I was diagnosed with this, this is what I would want. He says, “That’s the problem. At the very get-go, when she finally did accept that this was the diagnosis and this is what was happening,” because she didn’t accept it for a very long time. I didn’t accept it until I saw that nothing was there, and then she was back and then nothing was there.
He said that she had said that to him. He says, “I can’t do that.” She’s like, “I will do it.” He’s like, “I can’t let you do that.” I did say to him, “I would plan it out to where you can go ahead and leave. I would have Nick leave. Everyone would leave and then I’d go somewhere where no one could find me and I’d take care of it,” but here’s what he asked me.
I don’t think I could do it to myself, though.
I don’t know. We are not in the position.
I will do this to myself because of the whole if you commit suicide. You to a church and everything.
It’s supposed to be so selfish, but that’s an unselfish thing. It’s selfish and unselfish, but regardless. It’s funny that you said the same thing that I said. He said, “No. Right now, if you were her and you were coherent and you could make this decision, what would you want?” I said, “I would want you to make the best decision you could for yourself. That meant that bringing her home and taking care of her until you can no longer take care of her anymore would ease your conscience and it would make you sleep easier knowing that you did everything you could, then I would want you to do that. If you feel like you have done the best you could and it’s best to go ahead and leave her there because she is rapidly declining,” the bottom line is his decision to make.
Correct me if I’m wrong. I feel like with dementia patients, their sleep is off. They do a lot of weird stuff in their sleep. This man is going to be around the clock a lot.
He hasn’t.
He hasn’t because she’s at the facility, so he can go home and rest up and sleep.
The thing is that yes, you are and that’s only been for a few weeks and he’s saying that he’s willing to go back to where it was where he wasn’t sleeping because she was like that.
She’s at rest for weeks.
That’s the interesting thing too. She has. He got the okay to start bringing her home for one night on the weekend and then she started asking, “I miss my cats. I want to go back home.” It’s almost like the more time that she’s there, you start to forget that there’s a home. You start to forget that there are the cats because that’s what’s happening.
He’s bringing her home one night a week.
One night a week and the doctor reached out to him and said, “In my professional medical opinion, I don’t think it’s a good idea because we are watching her behavior change drastically because of that.” It’s horrible. You heard me crying before we got together and had this conversation. I find it so interesting how God puts things in your path and it’s never a coincidence. I had my breakdown. I cried on the phone to you and then I get that phone call and it’s like, “Who am I?” Everything I’m juggling. It gives you perspective.
I was talking to my therapist about this because I’m like, “Do you ever get so sick of listening to people’s shit?” He’s like, “Yeah, at times.”
That’s his job.
I know. I can have these moments where I feel like the whole world is falling apart. I talk to somebody else or I talk to a client and I hear what they are going through and I’m like, “That put my shit into perspective. It’s not that big of a deal.” I get that if I’m frustrated with my husband over something, it’s giving me a bad day or in a bad place. There’s bigger shit out there.
There is bigger shit, but it doesn’t feel like it at that moment.
Something my therapist said is, “Don’t dismiss that. Don’t dismiss your feelings because you are still going through something yourself. Just because somebody else’s shit is bigger than yours, don’t diminish yours. You still have to go through it, process it, and work it out.”
Don't dismiss your feelings just because somebody else’s problem is bigger than yours. Click To Tweet
They have more fiber in their diet is what it comes down to. When their shit pile is bigger than yours, they have a lot more fiber. Have some more granola. Granola makes you fat.
Have a fiber one.
Granola is fiber, but like I said, it’s too much. There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. Do you ever find that you are so good with other people’s problems and you can’t fix your shit?
No shit.
What does your saying say? Go back to that. What did it say? You spend your whole life trying to fix what you fucked up.
This is the best saying ever. This should be the name of this episode. It should be “All of Life is About Fixing What You Fucked Up.”
This whole show could be called that because we could talk daily about what you fuck up. Let’s see what I fucked up now.
I felt fuck somebody up now.
You did. I almost fucked somebody up now. We should find that saying. Who did you almost fuck up to? We talked about my girlfriend being the Brooklyn Brawler.
My husband calls me Mama Mussolini. You know I already have that connection with your Brooklyn Brawler.
What’d you do?
This goes back to the whole gym thing, but it’s because I’m in the gym every single day. I go super early. I cannot stand arrogant and pompous men who think that it’s a turn-on to be a complete raging jackass to women. I can’t stand it. You met this guy. Do you remember when we were at the gym together and there was a tall, 6’7” foot Black guy and a White guy and they were brawling each other and Cher is like, “I see who is starting the fight over there,” and you started joking with him?
It’s not the big Black guy.
It is.
Is he the arrogant one?
He is. Let me tell you something. I want to throw this out there because I feel like anytime anybody says a color of skin, it turns into a race thing. It’s not a race thing because it’s his best friend. I don’t think it’s his best friend. After all, I talk to Tupac all the time. His nickname is Tupac because he looks like Tupac, and in turn, he’s a Black male.
The point is the guy is an asshole. It doesn’t matter what color he has, but not Tupac. It’s the other guy.
Tupac is always very respectful. He always says good morning. We talk about our children. I’m not in the gym to have conversations. I’m in there and I want to work out. Get the fuck out and then go to work for how many hours. I put my hat on like I got horse blinders. I got my earphones with music so loud that even if you are talking to me, I can’t even hear you, and I’m purposely ignoring your lips. That’s not a joke. If somebody tries to talk to me, I pretend I don’t even see that.
She may or may not be talking about particular people and I’m seeing their faces right now.
Tupac is always very cordial and very nice. We talk about our kids and we have had very small talk, but he’s a gem. We will fist-pump each other when we see each other. We always say good morning and we keep it nice. It’s gym friendliness. Every time I’m talking to Tupac, I don’t even know this guy’s name, the tall guy comes around and he’s super crass. At one point, he says to me, “You don’t fucking talk to him. You fucking talk to me.” Just like that. The look on Cher’s face right now is as if she saw a ghost and that’s exactly it.
I’m sorry but I would have said, “You can go fuck yourself.”
There was Tupac, there was him, and then there were three other gym bros standing around. I looked at him and said, “Let me make something very clear to you. You don’t ever fucking talk to me that way again,” and I walked away and Tupac gave me a fist pump.
The worst part right now is that I’m visualizing her walking away in her little yoga pants with your cute New Balances on. I’m picturing this.
Let’s make this very clear. I am 5 feet tall. This guy is over 6 feet tall and I’m like Mama Mussolini with my finger up like looking up to the sky. What am I going to do? I’m going to kick you in your shin.
You punch him right in his nards. I would have paid to be there for that.
He’s made other comments since then, and I brush him off. I’m so annoyed by him. He comes up to me. I’m doing full-body pull-ups with no help or assistance from any bands or anything. I’m finally getting to these markers that I want to meet at the gym. Tupac is in the area. I say hi to Tupac and he comes over to me.
I took a break. I’m sitting down and I’m texting my husband back. I have my EarPods in. I hear him yapping away and I’m not paying attention to it. I said, “I’m talking to my husband,” which means I’m in a conversation. He starts like, “Your husband. You need to talk to me.” He starts going off with his shit again. I go up to him and Tupac was standing there and I said, “I can smell shit a mile away and you stink.” I’m done with being harassed by this guy.
He thinks highly of himself, doesn’t he?
He does.
That’s disrespectful to come up when you are talking.
He thinks very of himself. I have said to Tupac, “What is up with your friend? He makes me feel uncomfortable.” He’s like, “I’m sorry. I found out years ago he was my cousin. I don’t claim him as my cousin.” I have had this conversation with him. I told this guy to screw off before. He keeps coming back for more.
Maybe you are giving him what he likes.
I probably am, but now I’m done.
Side note, Bethany wears her ring to the gym.
I haven’t been because I knock stones out.
Strike that. Usually, she wears it, but you did say you were.
I haven’t been wearing my ring.
You were talking to your husband. That’s another level.
He starts running his mouth again and now I have Tupac there. I have a pompous guy standing there. I have an elderly gentleman they talk to sitting next to them, and I have two more elderly gentlemen. They are big tough guys coming over to say hi to their gym bros. I finally looked at him and said, “Do you want to know why I talk to Tupac? He acts like a gentleman and you don’t,” I walked away and was just done.
How long ago was this?
Just before we started here.
I can’t wait for the next episode.
I don’t want to go back to the gym anymore.
You got to go back.
I don’t want to deal with it. I want to work out. I don’t care if I wear the nice booty pants. I’m not looking for attention. I got to make something very clear. I’m busting my ass working out. If I want to wear something, I’m not wearing it for you. I’m wearing it for me. All day long. I’m not there to pick up men. I’m there to work out.
The part where you said, “I’m talking to my husband,” made that clear. “I’m not picking up men.”
I don’t make eye contact with anybody. Have you seen the hat that I got? It’s like horse blinders.
She hides. You hide at the gym.
I got to the point that I got my nails done and the lady is like, “I see you at the gym. Do you always have your hat on? I can never see your eyes.” It was this cute little Vietnamese girl and I’m like, “Next time, say hi to me. I am friendly.”
You should say, “I try to go undercover. I try to get in.” That’s me. Undercover pecker checker.
I’m not joking. I have had it.
I think that’s good. No one has probably ever spoken up to him.
Maybe that’s exactly why he needs somebody not to take his shit. I don’t know if he thinks that’s a turn-on. He’s like, “This is turning me on even more,” where the women are like, “Get the fuck away. I have enough.” I got one husband. I can’t even deal with him. There’s no way I could be the male in a polygamist marriage.
Bethany is obsessed with polygamy. I have to watch what I wear because she tells me I look like I belong in a polygamous cult. I don’t know why. She said I look like I belong in Little House on the Prairie and you put me in a polygamous cult.
That shirt was borderline.
I thought it was cute.
You honestly dress this shirt up completely differently. You could have rocked the shit out of it. Jeans and tuck in. You don’t take enough time for yourself. That brings us back to the crying on the phone. Cher shared with me that her only time alone is doing this show and how important it is to her because this is where she gets to be authentic with her and get it out. Husbands, kids, work, this, or that. For a couple of hours, we could shut the world down, laugh, and talk about whatever the hell we want to talk about, but it’s hard being a working mom.
Take enough time for yourself. Click To Tweet
I almost wonder if we should transition to an episode, too, on this one.
Segue right into it. Ride that little segue. Do they call them segues, too, the little ride-on things?
It’s called a Segway. I’ve never ridden one.
You ride your little Segway right on into the segue.
I’m going to segue right on it. It’s true. I did have a little moment with my husband on the phone and blanket this whole thing with my husband truly is an amazing human. He’s an amazing person. He is a good dad and he is a good husband. On the way here, too, I did have a second conversation with another girlfriend of mine who is in the same industry as I am, and she too is married to someone that she adores, but she differs from me. We are the same age, but she started younger in life. She had her kids when she was 19 or 20.
Still, the fact remains that, as women, there’s so much more required of us. I lost it with my husband on the phone and I said, “I think about what would happen.” Here I am going back to this morbid death thing but, “What would happen if I was gone? What would happen if I died? When the kids start school, you don’t know what they need for school. You don’t even know how to check their grades. You don’t know who their doctors are or when they have doctor’s appointments. You don’t even know when the dogs need their medicine again. You don’t even know when any bill is paid.”
I take care of all of it and where would he be? I got on his case and I said, “I need to be important to someone other than my grandmother and my daughter. I want to feel I am appreciated, respected, loved, and cared about. I feel like, as women, this is not specific to me because you and I have had this conversation so many times. We give and give.
We do and we don’t even think about it. We go through the motions.
As women, we give and we give and we give and we do and we do and we do. And we don't even think about it. We just go through the motions. Click To Tweet
I said it to another girlfriend of mine on the phone. I said it again and I finally said it to my husband. I said, “I am pouring from an empty cup, and here you are at the end of that cup saying, ‘I’m still thirsty.’ I have got you, the kids, other family members, my job, and all of these other things, these other people needing more from me and I have nothing else to give.” That’s what I said to you on the phone. I have nothing left to give. This is when I get to have something and I get to feel like I’m not alone. That’s when we talked about doing this show.
There are so many women who feel that way. Even in my profession of talking to women all day long, we are not alone in that feeling. I don’t know if that’s the maternal side in us that we do.
Women are made differently than men.
Women are definitely made different than men. Click To Tweet
I have to often remind myself that my husband is giving in a way that he knows how he can. He’s not me.
He verbalized that one night at dinner and what he said was so profound. “I’m doing the best that I can,” and he kept repeating it. My husband brought that up to me. What he said was impactful. Isn’t that what all of us need to do, but are you doing the best that you can?
On the flip side, I’m doing the best that I can juggling all these hats. I apologize if I don’t have the energy for a sexy time at the end of the day, which is incredibly important for a marriage.
I do, but I don’t have that problem.
The problem is a kid is sleeping in our bed because my husband’s snoring is keeping me up. We both get sleep, so I’m not waking him up 100 times. He’s keeping me up all night. He’s sleeping in another room. He tried all these snoring things.
Does the taping the mouth thing work?
Are you seriously saying that?
That’s a thing.
No. I don’t know. He hasn’t, but he has tried everything out there for snoring. Luca and Enzo, my two older children, share a bedroom together and then we will keep each other up until all hours of the night and they have got camp or school in the morning or something. We have separated them. Usually, one sleeps in the bed with me. He’s in bed with the other one. Gio is in his bed. You then have got a child coming out until 10:00 at night. “I need water. I got to go to bed.” He looked at me one night. He’s like, “What is going on here?” I’m like, “Exactly. I’m going to buy you a thing.” It almost sounds like it’s through his nose.
When you sleep, what happens is you lay like this with your mouth even slightly open and your tongue falls to the back of your throat, which closes off your throat.
Our sex life is great. I don’t want to have sex in the bathroom all the time. There’s nowhere comfortable in the bathroom to have sex. I’m sorry. It might be pleasurable for him, but it isn’t for me. Weird positions, the toilet bowl. I don’t know. Am I sitting on the bathtub and now you are crunched down low? Let’s get visual here. It’s not easy.
You don’t have a big bathroom. My bathroom is big.
We don’t own a big house. There’s not a lot of space in our home to make this happen. On top of that, when we do get into the bedroom by ourselves and can lock ourselves in there, I have a kid under the door who’s like, “Mom, Enzo. Mom, Luca.” Who the fuck wants to listen to that shit? While he can shut it off, I’m plugging my ears while I’m bouncing all over the place from him screwing me. That’s a visual. I got two fingers in my ears. I’m here in bed. Little kids and exhaustion. I’m doing the best I can do. You are getting cranky because your needs aren’t being met. I’m cranky for my own personal reasons and it’s a constant juggle. Marriage is a constant juggle.
Marriage is a constant juggle. Click To Tweet
We are bringing up another girlfriend. Another girlfriend and I had a conversation one time and she made the comment. She says, “I don’t understand these men that don’t allow their woman a break.” We had all gone out. It was not allowed, but it was allowed. One thing I can never take away from my husband is if I say, “I got to go. We are going to do the show,” or, “I’m going to go and hang out with the girls.” “Okay.”
He doesn’t. My husband doesn’t question me about that.
Ever. There’s that mutual respect that he has his time too. The problem is that the times that I take are far too frequent. We used to do our mom night every week and we haven’t done that in a long time. I need that and I feel like work has ramped up, and then the situation with my kids being diagnosed with epilepsy. There’s been so many things. My husband is switching jobs and now he is trying to build his way there. There’s been so much.
We have baseball. We are at the baseball field with all three of my kids six days a week. It’s insane. There were originally 4 girls that got together and then it moved up to 6.
About six of us. We added.
Your two friends from school. We all have little kids. We are all going in 100 different directions. While we all understand, we are all chomping at the bits. One of these girlfriends moved out to Dade. While her home is beautiful, that is not a, “I’m going to drive to Dade and then drive back home at night.” That’s not so convenient.
Whereas me, I’m thinking, “I’m packing my sleep stuff and I’m going to stay the night.” I want to sleep in her bathroom. It’s great for a shower.
That sounds wonderful, but I would rather, “Can we all go to a hotel for a night?”
We should.
I love everybody’s kids.
You don’t want to hear them in the background.
I don’t want to hear your kids in the background. I’m trying to get away from my kids. I want to be free. I don’t want to have to buffer what I want to say or talk and code because there might be little ears around. I want to be free. A female moment with other females. It doesn’t even have to be a whole weekend. It just is one night.
Let’s do it for a whole weekend. I’m down. Let’s go.
We got to make this happen.
I have a cabin-ish. We can go to Tennessee.
You talked about that.
It’s not available for the time I wanted it.
The last time, you couldn’t make it for the trip. We went to St. Augustine and that was a couple of hour trip. You are there and then a couple of hours back. It’s so close.
We should redo that. We will get the girls.
My husband sent this TikTok to me and I don’t even know who the person is, but the message was incredible. It’s a woman sharing that she and her husband will sit down together because it’s not 50/50. What’s your percentage? You say, “I’m at 20%.” Nick can say, “I’m at 20%, too,” and you guys both know. “We are not duking it out here. We are both at our lowest.” There are those moments where, “Cher, you are at 20%. I’m at 80%. I will take on the rest, and I will help you.” Flip flop.
Have an honest conversation.
You have to get into that pattern of having that dialogue with your spouse of, “This is where I’m at. I’m having a rough day,” or, “I got your back. I’m here for you. What do you need from me? How can I step up for you?”
I hear you and I respect what you are saying. It comes with buts. Here’s the but. Are you ready? It’s the big but. I like big buts and I cannot lie. You’ve got to do but.
My husband sends me this shit, but then we never do it.
I didn’t mean that you got to do the butt. That’s not what I meant. My point is while I would love that when I’m at 10% and my husband’s at 90%, he’s willing to fill that void and it’s great, the problem is the reason I’m at 10% is because you are at 90% all the time. You don’t constantly contribute that additional. Do you see what I’m saying?
What happens if you would vocalize that to him?
It happens every few months we have that conversation.
It gets better and then it goes again to the same pattern.
We have talked about those fundamental changes and I have said, “There are all these things that I know I need to be different.” It’s almost like that, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” It’s like, “If this one variable was to change, now I have got more of me and I can be happier and I can breathe easier.”
Sometimes you are taking this and it’s like, “You are the one who needs to make that change. It’s up to you to be happy.” I could be happy if I didn’t have to deal with this. There’s not that equal balance. It’s not equal. A relationship will never be equal. A relationship between a husband and a wife will never be 50/50. It never will be.
A relationship between a husband and a wife will never be 50 -50. It will never be equal. Click To Tweet
My therapist asked me this. Cher’s very crafty. That’s how you funnel your frustrations and your stress. That’s how it’s there for me. The cleaning and organizing. He’s like, “How do you cope?” I’m like, “I don’t know that I necessarily do cope. I keep doing more and running myself ragged.” I will have moments where I will let out a loud scream in my car and I’m like, “I’m good now.”
Typically, I’m calling someone an expletive.
I’m letting out a scream, curse words, and crying hysterically. It’s a very ugly scene, but then you get it out.
You feel better. Exactly the same and do I go build something?
That’s how I am constantly organizing shit.
My office is for me because I have all my craft stuff and I bought all the boxes.
I love that stuff. That’s how I funnel my stress.
Whenever you are stressed, my office will still be in the condition that it’s in. My poor office. I built myself a desk that I can’t even use because all my craft stuff is in there. I took everything out and put it back in the middle. I bought all the bins and put them all on the shelves. I just close the door and I’m going to let it go for a few days. I will walk back in and, “I’m ambitious, not,” and then I walk back out.
The problem that I have with stuff like that is it will still nag at me in my head that I haven’t finished it. I’m annoyed with myself. I’m annoyed with other people. I’m annoyed that I’m letting it annoy me. Guys can’t figure us out.
We can’t figure ourselves out. We can’t, at all. I don’t know. “What’s wrong with you?” “I don’t know.” “I can’t help you if you don’t know.” “I don’t know.” I just know that I need to be left alone.
My husband and I, there was a topic that was brought up. That’s a touchy subject for me that triggers me. I hate the word triggered. I feel like that’s so overplayed, but I got to find a different word for triggered, but it triggered me. He was upset that it was upsetting me. The thing that I said to him was, “There are things in life that are not going to make me happy that I have to process through, and there are things in life that I do.” Meaning like, “This is going both ways that you have to process and you have to get through.”
“At the end of the day, we are a team. We are going to have highs and lows, but we love each other. Not every day is going to be rosy, a lot of days are going to be shitty, and a lot of times you are going to be happy.” Unfortunately, I haven’t met a couple yet that marriage is not work. It’s constant work. When you have 2 completely different people, 2 different mindsets, 2 different upbringings, and 2 different everything, and then you mesh it together and you try to have this family together, you got your ways and his ways, the ways your parents did things, and it does make for a very messy area. However, it’s all about communication. I am the first person to say that I hold a lot of shit in.
We have talked about that too of how you and Nick are very like that. You and my husband tend to have the same type of personality that you do. You hold that in and then all of a sudden, it’s like, “What’s wrong?” and then it all comes out. Whereas me, I drop tidbits here and everywhere else, and then finally, I lose it when I’m like, “How did you not put all those pieces together? Do you know it’s a piece of bread? All those things make a piece of bread.”
It’s true. I do that and I know that frustrates my husband. Back to it, he’s a very good man. I’m not bashing men. I’m saying that I don’t think that men have the ability to fully understand a working wife with children. A working mom and wife, have more than one job. I said to you and my husband, too, that I’m the only one in my company that has the job that I have and also has small children. Now, there are other men in my company that have the same job as me that have small children.
I don’t care what anybody says. In the corporate world, there’s still such a divide between men and women.
It’s true because I’m in the corporate world. It is very much true. They don’t care what happens outside of work. They care what you are doing. The problem is that I expressed with my children in the diagnoses. I have to take them to the doctor. I have 2 kids and you have 3. There are certain things that Nick needs to be there as well or they want me to go. It doesn’t matter how close my kids are to their dad, they want their mom.
Let’s face it. I am the one who is spearheading the doctor’s appointments. Back to my job. I do my job and I’m doing it for a longer period of time than my set hours even though I’m on a salary, but work doesn’t end for me. The minute I close my computer or shut off my work phone, now it’s all the, “Mom, Mom.” Taking care of the dishes, the laundry, and all the housework to be done.
It’s like I’m a housekeeper. I’m a dog sitter. I’m a pediatrician when it comes to some things. I’m a hostage negotiator when it comes to my children. I know you are too. I’m trying to balance things out. I’m trying to coax my husband. I’m trying to be a loving wife. There are too many roles. Back to the cup. The cup is flipped over. It’s empty, yet somehow, some way, there’s still water coming out of it.
Communication is key, but part of communication is listening. I need to be hearing my husband more and he needs to be hearing me more. Sometimes it’s the things that aren’t necessarily spoken, but the actions that speak volumes. It’s nice to know that we are not alone even though it feels very lonely.
I sometimes tend to find myself isolating myself, and then I’m like, “Stop. You are not alone.” It’s funny because the more people that I talk to or talk to my husband and he talked to this husband and you are like, “I would have never pegged that couple.” You are like, “None of us are fucking alone.” At the end of the day, none of us have our shit together. We are doing the best job that we can do.
At the end of the day, none of us have our sh*t together. We're just doing the best job that we can. Click To Tweet
We are trying to fix what we fucked up.
That is the name of the show. Fix What You Fucked Up. That’s what you spend your whole life doing. That’s a good topic for our readers too. What are you trying to fix that you fucked up? Trust me, we will not judge you because we have done a lot. When people tell me stories and they think it’s going to be a shock factor, I’m like, “Okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s this one time at Band Camp.” It’s true. The shock factor is gone.
There’s nothing in eighteen years of doing hair I haven’t heard. You cannot take anything off the table. You can challenge me. I have heard it.
That’s how we should end every one of our shows. A challenge. Have you ever heard someone contemplate murder for hire? Someone did get caught because they confessed it to their hairdresser. The hairdresser told on them. Has anyone ever said, “I’m looking for someone to off my,” and for this woman, it was her ex-son-in-law.
No, but I have had a couple of clients that have killed people.
It’s known that they have killed people or just you know they have killed people.
Yes. They served their time. I’m not going to share.
No, I don’t want you to share. I don’t want to know.
They faced their time.
They did. People did know that they killed someone.
People that know them.
That’s what I’m saying. They went to jail or something. They served their time and they are out. It’s not like they have murdered someone and no one knows about it. You didn’t say murder. You said killed. They killed someone and no one knows. They have never been caught. It’s not like that.
No, but it’s a pretty intense story.
I wasn’t expecting that, but no murder for hires.
No murder for hires. I can’t say I heard that at all.
There’s one that you haven’t heard.
I’m sorry. That one was not fun. Lots of affairs.
I would expect that you hear of that. Hang the loofahs.
Kids abuse. Sad shit. Lots of divorces. When you start listening to the stories and I’m all coming into work like, “I’m pissed off at my husband.” Maybe I should send a nice message.
Hard time for murder.
Maybe it’s not that bad.
Was it like an Orange Is the New Black situation? I’m curious. Everyone watched that show. Didn’t you watch that show?
I watched Orange Is the New Black. We do know about that show.
I didn’t watch the last season. I couldn’t.
Do you know what I binge-watched?
No.
The new Netflix series because I kept hearing about it on my show. It’s about a serial killer. I am going blank on you. I’m pulling it up on my phone.
I know all of these. Which one is it? Is it Jeffrey Dahmer one?
I’m sorry. It’s not Netflix. It’s Peacock. It’s the name of their podcast on the show. Based on a True Story.
They are different episodes.
No, it’s like this couple and they are down on their luck. I don’t want to give too many details away, but it’s binge-worthy. It’s about a serial killer.
It’s called Based On What?
Based on a True Story is the name of the show and then that’s the name of their podcast on the show. It’s with Kaley Cuoco from Big Bang Theory. It’s so freaking good and there are only eight episodes and then it leaves you on a hell of a cliffhanger. I hate when they do that because I don’t know when the second series of episodes is coming.
I talked about my friend with Alzheimer’s. I will tell you that he started a YouTube channel.
Good for him. Is it to educate other people?
She went undiagnosed forever. There were a lot of behaviors that weren’t making sense and things that she was thinking about.
Share his channel.
I would like to. It’s Trey & Theresa Pippen. You can find him @TPippen75. It states here the quick little description. “My wife Theresa was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease in November of 2018 at the age of 49.” It was right before her 50th birthday. I will never forget her party. “There is no known history of Alzheimer’s disease or dementia within her family. Prior to losing her job, Theresa worked for nearly twenty years as an accounting professional. Alzheimer’s has robbed my wife of her career, her self-confidence, and her independence, and has deeply impacted the lives of all of us that love her so much. Prior to her diagnosis, the family and I spent several years in bewilderment to the changes that were taking place in Theresa.”
“It is now my passion to tell her story, to educate others about Alzheimer’s disease so that early detection and treatment can take place for those in need.” He leaves here how to reach out to him directly, but we talk about little miracles and little things that God does to show us that we are on the right path that he intends for us.
I love Jesus, but I cuss a lot. It’s terrible. It’s not an excuse, but it’s facts. The same with Bethany too. She loves God and that’s another way that you and I have connected. When Trey had prayed and I talked to him when he was deciding whether or not to put Theresa into the memory care facility, I told him, “You need to pray on this. The decision that you and God have to make.”
It dropped off when I came to his YouTube. It was the weekend that he finally moved her into her new home at the memory care facility, where he sees her every single day. Every day he’s there with her. Washes her hair, dries her hair, and watch movies together every day. That’s his wife. It’s still his wife, but his YouTube channel has gained over 10,000 subscribers and he only has 15 videos. I would tell you that it’s a very hurtful, horrific disease, and it’s so sad.
It affects everybody.
It’s a difficult pill to swallow. It took me years to register. I’m not that I’m trying to come back full circle around that, but it popped up on my phone and I wanted to share. It does come back to my day and I was feeling like, “Woe is me.” When you look at the grand scheme, I have a great life. I have great people around me. I have my health, family, children, husband, and God. It can always be worse. I have never murdered anyone, though. I have never tried to hire anyone, either. Based on a True Story. Share with us what you fucked up.
I binged that in one weekend. What you fucked up and how are you trying to fix it?
We won’t judge you.
No, it’s like a judge-free zone.
We might talk about you later. No, I’m kidding.
We like stories. Give us details. We don’t need novels but give us a couple of paragraphs. You don’t even have to leave your name. You can leave your initials or whatever.
I promise you we will read it.
We want to read these things and connect. It’s a way for us to connect with our readers.
We want to know. We are not alone.
Trust me. I got so many fucked up stories and some of these stories. You can send your stories to SlimeInMyStilettos@Gmail.com. You can find us on Instagram at @SlimeInMyStilettos. See you next time.
Toodle-loo. TTFN.
Important Links
- @TPippen75 – YouTube
- SlimeInMyStilettos@Gmail.com
- @SlimeInMyStilettos – Instagram